Aging Parents: Making the Effort–Where There’s a Will, There’s a Way….continued

Posted on May 22, 2013 by

What if aging parents don’t have the will to make the effort?

Dr. Bud doesn’t feel comfortable with “don’t have the will.” Instead, he says,

“It’s a style of encountering challenges. Some people are more can-do oriented and respond to change and challenges with determination. Others have difficulty.

“The latter may respond with feelings of overwhelming damage–making the damage seem even worse than it is; or they may be struggling with challenges or already coping to maintain equilibrium–to maintain balance.

“They may respond with pessimism–”even if I do, I won’t (or it won’t) get better.” Lacking other good things going on in their lives, trauma becomes another negative event. These negatives accumulate, can overwhelm. And they give up.

“For others–the doers–they think “challenge to overcome.” Therefore, they try new ways to cope (for example, with loss of a spouse, a medical situation etc.).

“Some search for an optimistic view when called upon to cope with frustration and disappointment. Indeed learning to cope (coping skills) starts early. At this time of year we can think about high school seniors getting–and having to handle–rejection letters from college admissions offices.

 ”As for adult children, not much can be done initially to help aging parents who have difficulty coping with challenges. But they can at least understand elders’ setbacks (physical or emotional), with a greater sensitivity to their sense of loss, of damage, of hopelessness. They can emphasize with them, legitimizing their problem. And they can realize that many older people are struggling to activate their coping mechanism rather than letting the event overpower and cripple them.

Bottom line: Some people have better coping mechanisms. And some who don’t, need support–not criticism.”

PS. Even for elders who have always been giver-uppers, introducing hope can’t hurt. Dr. Bud and I want to add that as we try to help parents age well.

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Aging Parents Making the Effort? Where There’s a Will, There’s a Way

Posted on May 21, 2013 by

Why do some aging parents make the effort, while others don’t?

The stage at Carnegie Hall looked different this past Sunday. A large wood structure, painted to go with the Hall’s decor, occupied the space the podium usually occupies. James Levine, almost 70, was returning, in a wheelchair, to conduct the NY Philharmonic.

5/19/13: Stage during intermission at Carnegie Hall

5/19/13: Stage during intermission at Carnegie Hall

“One of America’s greatest living conductors,” (NY Times 5/19/13) and music director of the NY Philharmonic, the maestro had been sidelined for 2 years by spinal problems, shoulder injuries, and multiple back surgeries. The NY Times, reported  ”A year ago, he said, ‘I couldn’t really move my legs, and a few months before that I couldn’t feel anything in them.’ It took him quite a while, he added, to even think of whether he would conduct again.”

August 2011, when he fell while on vacation causing another serious back injury, Mr. Levine said he was at his lowest point. Yet in May 2013–”Against all odds, James Levine is back” was the opening sentence in the NY Times. Obviously a great deal of “will”–on his part and on the part of Carnegie Hall led to the “way” to make what may have seemed impossible two years ago–a reality.

We see older people with the will. They no doubt aren’t as famous as James Levine. Yet they have that something within that pushes them forward and won’t let them quit. Sr. Advisor R is one.

I think back to Sr. Advisor R’s rehab after breaking her 97-year-old hip (femur) and her observations of the daily small group physical therapy sessions she participated in. She was the oldest there, yet she observed some younger people found the physical therapy very difficult and didn’t even try. (We were told, she tried encouraging them.)

That said, why do some do, while others don’t make the effort? Does it go back to People Change, Not Much? If they didn’t make the effort when they were younger, can they can’t be expected to change when they’re older?

There are, of course, those in the middle. Most probably make the effort when it’s worth it or they’re passionate about something, but–lacking perceived worth and passion– don’t have the will to do what it takes. This is often frustrating to us adult children.  We can easily get caught between wanting what we want for them and what they want–or don’t want– for themselves.

Dr. Bud weighs in tomorrow. Please come back tomorrow night.

 

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Short Hair Cuts for Women Over 60

Posted on May 16, 2013 by

Look good, feel better…

…has been one of the consistent themes to help parents age well. Isn’t it uplifting to look in the mirror and like what we see? We all know that a bad hair day–or just plain bad Bad Hair Dayhair–makes no one look good or feel very good, so naturally this article grabbed my attention.

It comes from More magazine http://style.lifegoesstrong.com/slideshow/6-short-hair-cuts-over-60-slideshow-image/1-cloris-leachmans-blond-pixie. Take a look, for those over 60 as well as for aging mothers and grandmothers. There are also styles for thinning and fine hair. I’m not a fan of the pixie cut, however, a stylist skilled doing layered hair could be an answer.

Also check out these “50 Hot Hairstyles Over 50″ http://style.lifegoesstrong.com/50-hot-hairstyles-over-50/alfre-woodards-flippy-style#7498734 again from More.

And if you missed this August 9, 2012 post, there’s a photo of non-celebs (85 and 95) who look amazing for their ages. Are these excellent hairstyles for these elderly women!

 

Update:
I note Ronni Bennett Time Goes By blog began Hair Loss posts on May 19th. No solutions yet, but she’s researching, as am I.

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Why an iPad for Aging Parents Who Can go to an Apple Store?

Posted on May 14, 2013 by

IMG_1274

It’s not only the technology, it’s the help that sets it apart.

Last weekend internet service was out in our neighborhood. Late Sunday afternoon I decided I’d venture out, in spite of heavy rains, to finish the “senior’s insecurities” post I began on Saturday. An Apple store was closer than a Starbucks, so it became my destination.

The store was swarming with human beings–I immediately thought of swarming bees. Surely they weren’t all last-minute Mother’s Day shoppers. My Mac, 3 1/2 years-old, no longer qualifies for the One to One Plan. All I needed was a table and place to sit.

I noticed an oblong table with several empty stools on one side and plopped myself and my Mac down., uncertain of how welcome I’d be as a “squatter.” A “trainer” at the end of the table came over and asked what he could help me with. I explained my plight. He nicely pointed to the next table over, explaining it should remain mostly empty, while the table he was covering was for individuals needing help with projects. Several people were already there.

Moving my plastic-covered wet umbrella (they provided plastic covers for all umbrellas before we entered) and my plastic bag-covered Mac + rain gear wasn’t the most graceful maneuver; but I sat on the stool, settled my things and opened the computer, whereupon I glanced up and realized that trainer had come over to me. “Do you need a charger?” he asked. And before I could tell him I’d brought mine he told me there was an electrical outlet with a charger about 10 inches from me (under the table) and I should feel free to use it.

How welcome I felt! How thoughtful of the “trainer” to come over to tell me there was a charger nearby. I’d forgotten how user-friendly Apple Stores are. (I often frequented 4 stores in 3 states when I initially purchased my Mac.) No matter how busy and chaotic a store may seem, you are taken care of in a timely manner and never feel you’ve been abandoned.

For aging parents and grandparents who show interest, try a trip to the Apple Store and play with the iPad. Aging parents don’t need an expensive model. There’s also free “Getting Started on the iPad” help.  (The salesperson will demonstrate how easy it is to make an appointment when the purchase is made). That said, I believe there are several months of free help Apple Store help after making a purchase, but definitely ask to confirm.

Old people–or anyone–can learn and get help 7 days a week all year if they wish. And it’s this service aspect that I think makes the big difference for older people who may be less confident about technology. Initially it’s peace of mind for an older person to know s/he can’t easily mess up or break an iPad by doing something “wrong”…and if something does happen, help is as near as the nearest Apple store. While I like the products, I think it’s the service that’s unequalled– inexpensive, and free for certain things–that sets it apart from every other manufacturer.

For example, when I know I’ve done something stupid and think a techie can solve my problem in a minute because it’s so stupid–I take my Mac to the Apple store and–if the greeter isn’t busy–tell him/her my problem. Without even going into the store, my problem has been solved–at stores in 2 different states in the last year.

I pay extra not to take ads on my blog. But because of the service/help aspect I think having a smart parent go computer-less when the iPad could change the game, so to speak, is leaving a large segment of the population computer-illiterate. Clearly other tablets have similar capabilities, but the iPad gets my top billing today because of the service and resulting peace of mind–especially for older people.

And speaking of “paying,” it’s the plan–not the product–that can be very expensive. If adult children have a plan, older parents can often be included in that plan at substantial savings.

(Reminder: I’m not contradicting the advice in earlier posts this month when I caution about being certain a parent has some interest in having a computer before simply thrusting it upon him or her. That said, I think there’s a lot to be said for a tablet helping parents age well–if they will give it a try.)

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Seniors’ Insecurities–What We Should Know to Help Parents Age Well–continued

Posted on May 12, 2013 by

Are we aware of our parents’ insecurities or do they cleverly hide them? Why do they do this?

Because of: pride, our youth-oriented culture, denial, valuing independence

What are the insecurities?

Concern about meeting responsibilities, looking old,
acting old, forgetting, having an accident, losing mobility, losing sight, losing control and probably most of all, fear that their children will make them move.

Our psychiatrist-senior advisor, Dr. Bud, once explained: With aging comes loss.  When normal aging changes impact what we’ve taken for granted throughout our life, (eg. vision, hearing, strength, ability to heal rapidly, move quickly, enjoy mobility, count on our memory)–a sense of loss occurs–sometimes a profound sense of loss can occur. Loss can undermine confidence and create insecurities. “We can’t do what we used to do.”

To begin, there can be problems with Acceptance: Julia (who won’t tell her age until she’s 100–OK that’s pride)–is a real, very wise person in my unpublished book. Involved in a discussion with other octogenarians about when older people should stop driving, she says pointedly: “A lot of people can’t be honest with themselves and try to be something they can’t be. It’s acceptance,” she continues, “an accepting of a lessening of yourself and it’s not pleasant. But you have to settle for some of this.”

And there’s Denial: We’ve all seen people who deny aging by their actions and their affect (the way they look). The cliche is the old man flirting with the young women and the young “trophy wife.” R once told us that one of her “trying-to-act-young contemporaries  (both in their 90′s at the time) was still “teetering around” on high heels. We knew this woman’s son and when we asked how his mother was, he responded that she was still wearing those high heels and he feared she would fall one day. (She never did.)

3.  Pride is a motivator that keeps older people looking good and meeting responsibilities.  In our youth-oriented society, it’s not cool to be seen as old. Independent elders, like Sr. Advisor R, take care to maintain their image. They make the effort and take all the time necessary to look as good as possible. They’ve learned to compensate for vision loss, hearing loss, hair loss, energy loss, etc. and many do physical and mental exercises. While they are more cautious, especially when vision impairs seeing well at night, they are more graceful about it. R will now ask for your arm when stepping of the curb to cross a street–a direct, dignified request.

R isn’t driven by our youth-oriented culture. Perhaps it’s because she learned grown up responsibilities when very young. She says her father taught her to be responsible very early on due to family illness. That included learning to take a streetcar by herself to get places. And R has accepted “the lessening,” figuring out how to compensate so she can do most of the things she has done since she was widowed in her early 50′s.

She still lives alone and independently, knows what’s going on, helps friends, supports her favorite charities, and has love and admiration from–I don’t think it’s exaggerating to say–every young person (boomer and younger) who spends 5 minutes with her.

I’ve quoted R many times, saying (once she entered her 90′s) that “things get more difficult each day.” We believe her, but don’t see the evidence except where energy is concerned. So what do we, adult children, do? We try to empower. We respect her wishes. We give legitimate compliments and praise when appropriate. If she doesn’t ask, we keep most suggestions to ourselves. We try to supplement groceries or make things easier in any way we can during the months we’re with her.

A geriatric social worker said once “It takes a village to keep the grandparent in the village.” To that end, R’s neighbors wheel her garbage and recyclables to the street and back each week, bring the daily newspaper and mail to her back door, leave flowers, baked goods, little notes by her back door, and two women (one 51, the other a boomer) phone each week when they go grocery shopping–inviting her to go with them or asking what they can get for her.

How fortunate older people are when they have thoughtful, caring neighbors who value older people and help make aging in place possible; and how grateful far-away-living children are for these wonderful neighbors who fill in the gaps (thus unseen insecurities don’t overwhelm), and–in general–help parents age well.

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Aging Parents–Seniors’ Insecurities We Should Know About

Posted on May 11, 2013 by

My parents were the young-old type. Their insecurities weren’t apparent until they were well into their 80′s. Mother remarked she didn’t realize she was old until she was 85. My m-i-l, Sr. Advisor R, said she didn’t feel old until she fell and broke her hip (femur) at age 97. However, when she began using a cane to go out after her successful surgery, she commented that she didn’t like using the cane when she went out because people saw it and thought of her as “old.”

Regardless of feelings and specific age, even boomers (and of course old people) develop insecurities they neither had nor thought about while younger. At a certain age many make efforts to cover up insecurities so as not to seem “old.”

Two years ago I wrote a post about Sr. Advisor R’s telling me she didn’t want to be rushed. It was a must for her to be on time. Indeed she often called, before I came to pick her up, to check that I’d be there on time.  I understood and respected this, but couldn’t help thinking about my working years when I’d make a plan with colleagues far into the future–having complete faith that we’d be at the appointed place at the appointed time–never giving a thought to the fact that I should double-check at some point.  No insecurity and never a problem.

Exactly the opposite, yet based on aging-type insecurities, is the once-organized older parent who no longer plans enough time and often isn’t ready. Why? In some cases, because of extra time spent due to insecurities about what to wear, looking good enough, possibly forgetting something and/or not moving (physically) as quickly as before. (Of course constant forgetting is an issue that should be discussed with a parent’s doctor.)

We may be unaware of our parents’ insecurities if they cleverly cover them up. Why do they do this?

The internet access is out in our apartment and the surrounding area, so I’ve taken advantage of the Apple Store (which is somewhat near)–but my time is up here and I must go.  Back tomorrow from here or from home……

 

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Best Smartphones for Seniors

Posted on May 7, 2013 by

Did you search and search for the most user-friendly cell phone you could find for your parents a few years ago? Views of my “Best Cell Phones for Seniors” post are very popular, attesting to the fact that a huge number of people find buying simple cell phones for seniors a challenge.

With Mother’s Day coming up, perhaps now is the time to expand Mother’s capabilities just a bit and provide her with more fun and opportunities by getting her a smartphone. That said, my caution holds–give this gift only if you think she’d be agreeable….and that could involve lunch (a Mother’s Day lunch perhaps) with a stop at the ATT,  Apple or whatever store to check out the smartphones below.

PC Magazine reviewed these simple smartphones late fall 2012:

Pantech Flex (AT&T); watch video
Jitterbug Touch (Great Call) be sure to read 2nd page; watch video
Doro PhoneEasy 740 (Consumer Cellular); may not be for sale yet;  watch video

and wrote the following (Doro’s phone was not for sale then): 

“…if you’re looking for a simple smartphone right now, your options are still pretty limited. Our choice would be the Pantech Flex on AT&T. It’s a regular Android smartphone…..a little easier to use (than Jitterbug Touch)…not as foolproof…but everything else …—from its larger, sharper display to its much faster processor and better camera—make it a better overall experience than the Jitterbug Touch. If you buy the Jitterbug Touch, get it not for its hardware, but for GreatCall’s no-contract plans and assistance services.” 

It goes without saying, PC Magazine is a zillion times better at evaluating cell phones than I. So, with great humility, I add the iPhone.

My qualifications are as follows: Only my husband can vouch for the following because I think I covered it up pretty well. For many years I was one step up from “road-kill on the information highway” as far as cell phones were concerned. Perhaps it was the cheapie phones I bought (two of them). I didn’t hear them ring, didn’t pick up/press button soon enough, couldn’t always find “who phoned” from the menu etc. etc. The last straw was when I was meeting a new acquaintance from South Africa at her daughter’s apartment in NYC and she phoned me. I couldn’t hear her, but when we finally got together she said she could clearly hear me saying “hello,” “hello.” Had I inadvertently turned the volume to low-low? While my hearing was–and is–perfect, my cell phone talent flunked.

My husband was using the iPhone then. I intuitively knew how to use it–with only a few instructions from him. I got the “instructions” when it would ring when he was driving and he asked me to answer it. I began playing with it and soon had to have my own, which I love. Admittedly I don’t use all the features; but I use many and just added the new camera app so you may find my photos improve. As mentioned in a previous post, the camera is so good that a plastic surgeon’s office suggested–if I had an iPhone–I take a picture of a place that had been a facial skin cancer site and was healing “funny” so they could evaluate.

While the iPhone needn’t be expensive, the plans are. My phone is connected to my husband’s plan. A friend’s is connected to his ex-wife’s plan (no doubt because teenagers are involved). That said, thanks to PC Magazine, you can check cheapest iPhone plans: http://www.pcmag.com/article2/0,2817,2417106,00.asp

If a smartphone would make your mother happy, why not go for it…and perhaps have a sibling  join in on the gift. Happiness helps parents age well, doesn’t it?
HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY to all.

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