focusing on the goal | Help! Aging Parents

Difficult Discussions: 9 Tips for Success

Difficult discussions were a normal part of my counseling work: teacher-student dialogs to settle misunderstandings, parent-teacher conversations to clarify accusations or actions, constructive conversations with teenagers who made bad choices, parents who were angry at the school, their kids–you name it.

Early on I learned through experience (and techniques I learned at TC) how to prepare for uncomfortable discussions, achieve my goals, and maintain a good relationship. I also learned from a favorite professor, that when dealing with one’s family, we’ll probably forget what we learned and act on instincts. But keep reading. If we can feel comfortable, we’ll do well. So we need to

1. Start right, which means being inclusive (and that should be comfortable). The statement “I need your help” is inclusive–the right start as opposed to “We need to talk,” which immediately puts the speaker in the dominant position. The listener becomes the subordinate, leading to defensiveness.

2. Because often we’re surprised by what we learn if we begin with “I need your help,” we may not need to rehearse. That said, we hear we must feel like we “own” it, so rehearsing how we want to steer the conversation may be the only start we need–ie. I need your help. I notice you’ve been spending a lot of money lately……………….” Await the response.

General REMINDERS

1. Keep your eye on the goal: to accomplish your goal without demeaning or diminishing parents’ self-esteem should be a continual blinking light in your brain.

2. Replace a “know-it-all” (for lack of a better word) attitude with the possibility you don’t know it all. Begin with statements like: “I could be wrong, so correct me if I am.” “It seems to me, but I may be wrong…” “I’m wondering if you’ve noticed…”

6 Specific TIPS

Using objective information (facts, accurate observations, or accurate accounts) makes a point very effectively. No emotional overtones.
Maintaining a respectful attitude, as opposed to a patronizing or condescending one, gets results. (Repeating back what a parent has said, sounding like we care and want to get it right, shows respect.)
Being open to hearing both sides, even if we don’t agree, shows respect and objectivity. It’s the opposite of being judgmental, which often encourages defensive responses.
Using “I” statements prevents feelings from coming across as a lecture or as fact (see 2 above). More possibilities: “I’ve noticed…” or “I may not be correct, but I think…” or “It may just be my concern but I…”
Bringing parents into the conversation makes them feel like equal partners: “I’ve noticed and perhaps you have too…” or “I’m not sure–so tell me what you think–but I’m thinking…”
It’s worth remembering that tone of voice can help or hinder a conversation.

Three prickly discussion subjects immediately come to mind: possible memory loss, driving, moving from one’s home. All are subjects older people have great concern–and are usually defensive–about. Master the conversation for any one of these, and you have a good working model for most anything that follows.

Memory Loss

Possible memory loss is a delicate subject addressed in my nonpublished book. I would feel remiss if I didn’t share the “difficult conversation” and aging parent advice, resulting from an interview with Dr. Pasquale Fonzetti, Clinical Assistant. Professor of Neurology, Cornell-Weil Medical Center; and Associate Director of Memory Evaluation and Treatment Services at Burke Rehabilitation Center, White Plains, NY.

This is getting long and I am at the North Rim of the Grand Canyon without internet access until late tonight, so Dr. Fonzetti’s advice will be the focus of Tuesday’s post.