Protecting (not Parenting) Aging Parents–At Holiday Time, Any Time

 “We’re like the flotsam and the jetsam, we’re not needed any more.”
Willy, a retired, elderly physician-friend of Dad’s

Parenting mentally capable parents who have slowed down seems very wrong. Yet one aspect2 Santas of parenting, protecting, seems completely justified for both young and old.

We protect those at both ends of the life cycle from danger. Are we aware that we also protect children’s believing and that protecting elders’ believing can be beneficial for old people too?

Believing comes naturally to children. Don’t they believe all things are possible? Yet the realities of life dim that optimism in many as they age, and the retired physician’s quote above is a feeling a lot of old people share.

As parents begin to slow down, our parenting instincts can ramp up. We realize we can be helpful and indeed, do certain things better and faster than they. But don’t aging and aged parents still need to believe in themselves and in their abilities? That’s when monitoring our parenting instinct for protecting make sense. Unless elders can’t do, it’s unnecessary and even harmful to take over things they can do, because it can–for instance–weaken muscles, accentuate feelings of being old, and increase feelings of uselessness, even helplessness.

So what do these Santas on the subway have to do with it?

2 Santas in the same subway car should be a no-no at hours little kids ride subways. (But how else can Santas get to work?) In above photo the subway car’s door is to the right; after that comes subway bench seating where a 5-year-old was sitting snug up against his mother. She was facing forward and couldn’t see the Santas. But he turned and did. His eyes and mouth opened wide and his little body maneuvered to get a better look, whereupon his mother, seeing the Santas, in a flash scooted around so her back was to them… shielding her son from getting a second look. Parental protection–wanting to keep believing alive.

At this holiday season, here’s to doing what we can to keep believing alive…with mentally-capable elders believing that they are important and can do. I guess we call it “empowering.”

 

Related:  Aging Parents: Con Artists & Scams. Psychological and Monetary Consequences.

Check out “Newsworthy” (right sidebar). Links to timely tips, information and research from top universities. respected professionals and selected publications–to help parents age well.

 

 

Sense of Purpose: A Gift for Aging Parents–at Thanksgiving, Chanukah and Beyond

Thanksgivng 2013

I think everyone would agree: having a sense of purpose is essential to feeling good about life. The big question: How do we instill a sense of purpose in aging parents who no longer have it?

Do remember, those who never had it will no doubt never get it–
People Change, Not Much.

I recently read a short blurb about the importance of having sense of purpose. While there’s a chapter in my book about it, I haven’t addressed it directly in my posts. They have focused more on the positive feelings that come from being needed. So here goes–

First, when older people are married, there is someone in their life, whether healthy or sick…there’s purpose. So we’re talking about elders living alone. And it may take more than superficial thinking to instill a sense of purpose in aging parents who have lost it.

Next: Think about parents’ strengths/talents– objective and touchy-feely: eg. dexterity (talent fixing things), cooking, knitting, gardening, musical ability as well as patience, empathy, caring about certain things…. We may need to go back in time, remembering what they enjoyed/cared about when younger.

Then decide: can we renew and/or support sense of purpose?–or does it need to come from somewhere else?

Now: Think creatively and in a macro, big-picture way–for example:

The most universal sense of purpose (the macro) for many will be wanting to maintain independence. What can they do towards that goal?

Example: For Sr. Advisor, R, it has been to keep herself healthy enough to be able to remain in her home. There’s purpose in exercising daily and shopping for her own groceries. The shopping cart provides stability and confidence when walking. Although her shopping takes forever, the entire experience is win-win for her and for us. R gets exercise, uses her brain, makes decisions about needed/wanted food and its cost, and has connections with others…the cashiers know her (told her she was so amazing yesterday, reinforcing self-esteem and good feelings.

Best for us, we can support this–driving R to the grocery store and waiting for her to get what’s on her list–and do our own marketing at the same time. We use our cell phone to take care of other stuff if there’s extra time. If your parent feels, like R, that being on a cell phone is rude, once you know how long a parent’s shopping takes, you needn’t hang around as if they’re not independent enough to be on their own. Ask if they need help, do what’s needed, then wait in the car and go back when you think (s)he’s about finished.

R’s shopping is followed by her putting the groceries away (if they’re heavy, we help) and ultimately cooking for herself and eating healthy.

Additional ways that instill feelings of purpose:
1. Doing for others–volunteering–but it must be meaningful. Old people being with young children in a daycare or school setting can be wonderful. That said, children spread many germs so this won’t work for elders with “ify” immune systems.

2.  Having a pet to care for; but this is can be tricky for older people. A veterinarian offers good information in a past post.

3. Having plants to care for offers an easier alternative to #2 (check out Easy Care Plants)

Thanksgiving is tomorrow as is the first day of Chanukah. Give aging parents a sense of purpose by giving them a task and/or asking for help. I’ve written about the oldest guest stringing the cranberry necklace for the turkey at our Thanksgiving dinners. I’ve written about bringing those in rehab or care facilities home for the holiday meal, including some specific ways aging parents can help.

Lastly, after Thanksgiving brainstorm with friends who have living-alone aging parents for new ideas.

Restoring a sense of purpose is an intangible gift. It helps aging parents feel better, and that makes us feel better.

Happy Thanksgiving and Happy Chanukah

Check out “Newsworthy” (right sidebar). Links to timely information and research from top universities and respected professionals, plus practical information–to help parents age well.