Aging Parents:Unappreciative, Ornery, Difficult? Part 2– Will the Family Function Like a Mobile?

.hanging mobile - Wilco Wilco

Go back to Concepts 1 and 2 if you missed them Concept 1 may be the most crucial.

Concepts 3 and 4–(follow concepts 1 (back to childhood) and 2 (families cater to the most neurotic member); plus strategies to help those with impossible parents, untangle a frustrating relationship.

#3.  Tolerating disrespect, reinforces it.
Allowing disrespectful behavior helps no one.  We learn this from day one if we’re teachers and have a bully in our classroom. Compare the classroom bully to difficult parents in this analogy: When there’s a bully in the classroom, we must stop the bullying as quickly as possible.  Why? If the bully (think parent) is allowed to continue, the bad behavior is reinforced to the point that it becomes part of “normal” behavior.

O.K.  You get it. Concept #3 resonated with Jean (Saturday’s post). Sharing her situation with one of our Senior Advisors over a period of time, our Senior Advisor’s response to her was key: “You’re not in good spirits any more, you’re not happy. You have a husband and a family. I know you’ve said you’d feel guilty not doing for your parents like you’ve been doing.  But when you’re not respected, you don’t have to feel guilt.”

Hearing this from a respected older person whose wisdom Jean highly valued was affirming. It was also the equivalent of supportive ammunition and Jean “got it.”

Currently Jean is slowly disengaging.  She doesn’t jump to fulfill her parents’ wishes.  She no longer says she’s available at every request to drive them; she doesn’t cut off a phone conversation with friends when her parents call on the other line. While she still does for them, she’s not at their beck and call.

The result: Her mother didn’t fire the last cleaning person, in fact she’s enjoying having the cleaning person around, according to Jean. And some of the errands Jean used to do are now taken over by her brothers or sister-in-laws, all of whom get along well.

hanging mobile - Vector
Vector

#4.  The family is like a mobile.
I learned about “family systems” through experts’ presentations as part of inservice training during my years at the high school. “The family is like a mobile” is a good analogy. Note how the beautifully-made mobiles hang in perfect balance. Similarly each family member must do his or her part to keep the family functioning in balance.

If one member is aggressive, for example, another must pull back to maintain the balance.  While one is ill, another takes over some of the responsibilities temporarily.  In a divorce, absent one parent, the remaining family members must do extra to make things work. (One of the most respected divorce researchers reported “even 8-year-olds can vacuum.”)

True to the concept, when Jean gave up some of her formerly must-do responsibilities, her aging parents readjusted, bringing in others to maintain the balance.

*                        *                           *                              *                          *
People’s personalities don’t change much (short of trauma or therapy) and things will probably never be perfect; yet Jean is relieved of guilt, some responsibilities, and has enough time for herself and for her family. Meanwhile her parents have learned that they can no longer depend on her so heavily but can take the initiative to make their lives work. Doesn’t this help parents age well? (And provide some relief for their children.)

hanging mobile - Quiet Ending
Quiet Ending
With many thanks to Rick for permitting me to use these photos of his mobiles.  Visit his website,
http://www.the-mobile-factory.com/mobiles.html
to view more of his exciting work
******

Check out “Newsworthy” (top right). Timely information and research from top universities, plus some fun stuff–to help
parents age well.

 

 

9 thoughts on “Aging Parents:Unappreciative, Ornery, Difficult? Part 2– Will the Family Function Like a Mobile?

    • Thanks so much, Scott. On the one hand I’m sorry you needed it (and you’re definitely not alone). On the other hand, more importantly, I’m very glad it can help.

      Like

  1. Thank you for useful information on dealing with unappreciative relatives. I have a relative who is very demanding and gets angry when her needs are not met. You have empowered me. I will no longer tolerate disrespect or reinforce bad behavior.

    Like

Leave a Comment

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s